If only I can shout it out to the world..but I can't
posted on Wednesday, October 5, 2011 at 10:10 AM |
0 cmnt/s
Have you ever felt like
you're contained in a box and you know you gotta move and get out, but no matter how hard you've tried, you just can't?
That's how it feels.
Being in a 'private' relationship is not as easy as hiding a secret. 'Private' in a sense that my family, except for my sisters, doesn't know (So basically, my dad has no knowledge with this) that I have a relationship w R.
I would love to be honest with my dad and tell that I already love someone, that technically I have a boyfriend. But every time I try, it seems that destiny comes up with something to make me stop. I am dying to let him know as early as possible. I don't wanna lie anymore. I want our relationship to be more open to others. Not like this. Not like we're hiding.
It's really hard to have a relationship like this. I just can't upload pictures on Facebook, just like any happy couple--fearing that some relative would see it and tell it to Papa. I am envy of them-those happy couple whose pictures were all over the internet. I wish I could tell to the world that
"Hey! This is my boyfriend and I love him so much!! Don't we make such a cute couple?'
Instead, I would just create an account on other social networking sites or blog sites like this.. wherever I can hide from my relatives. But I would really want them to meet and know R. I want them to see how great he is, how loving and caring and supportive and patient he is. I wanna let them see his side that I saw in him. I want them to know the man that I love and I wish they would love to.
I can't really wait for that moment. That moment when R could visit me here at our house, that moment when he and my dad would talk about random things. I barely can't contain my excitement when I think of that moment when we can be like a family..
I know that this thing I'm going through will be a lot more easier if Mama is still here--Not that I blame her, its just that, I miss her so much that everything that I do or I experience in life makes me think "If Mama was still here, would things be like this?" What if she's still around? Would that make any difference? :( Every thing that I do, everything that I go through, I will always connect with my mom. Because I miss her so much and things were really different when she was around.. Everything was light, everyone in my family is so much happier.
To R, I know it's hard on your part to be unrecognized by my family, especially by my dad. But, I assure you that the right time would come, and you two will meet. Thank you for understanding me, for going through all these with me. I hope you could wait longer and I love you so, so much.
To Mama, Ma! I miss you very much. I know things happened for a reason and I must accept the fact that you're already gone. I know that, but it's hard. Each day without you is like living through the pain again and again. I just miss the times we had. And I wish you were still here. I love you, always.
To my destiny, Please give me the courage, the chance, the perfect timing, the exact words, the right mood and the correct reasons. Please, just this one chance.
So, just to cure my bitterness and insecurities and jealousy of not having the 'right' to post OUR pictures in FB, I will post some here. :)
Thank you for reading!!!
